Monday, November 23, 2015

A whole year and a month has passed since writing.  Time does fly in these hectic times.  During this year the world has changed.  Change always comes.  Nothing  remains the same.  We change too.  My coffee shop campaign hasn't progressed.  The expansion of the deck on our house did progress and finally was finished.  Luckily in June and we were able to enjoy sitting outside, buy a BBQ and finish staining it before the winter rains came. 

Paris go attacked by suicide bombers.  The world shifted.  Muslims and Syrian refugees are in the news.  Here in North America so many are saying "no in my country" and wishing to turn the refugees away.  We are living with fear and fear makes people nasty.  I've been shocked to see incredibly cruel statements made on Facebook about the situation. In a world that wishes to see itself as nonjudgmental we are a judging lot.  We resort to skin colour and differences rather than finding the common thread.  We are homo sapiens, there is no skin colour, we are the same species. 

With such world problems it makes one own problems seem so small in comparison.  These past few days I've been thinking of my parents a lot.  I miss them.  For some reason I miss them more so suddenly and I'm not sure why. The strange part is, twice I've seen or read about the energy of people who has passed.  Mostly via an article on a medium who was here in Victoria.  When things like this stand out for me, there is a message.  Wondering if I am to see a medium or if my parents are trying to connect.  Maybe all due to feeling lonely these days.  I've not heard from either sister.  Have texted without a response.  I've always been sad that I didn't come from a family that was close.  I've discovered some families just aren't and mine is not exclusive in that regard. 

I've made a new friend at work, actually two.  Something I didn't try to do.  It is nice to have someone close to my own age to talk to.  I haven't connected with Angela as much this year.  I'm hoping that will resolve itself and we do start to connect more.  Office friendships can be fragile.  I just hope this one isn't and will last a long time. 

I am trying to figure out how to express my feelings.  I'm tired of not saying what it inside.  I'm at a point in my life where I need to say my truth.  I've bitten my tongue so often it has hurt.  I hold onto things I should let go or wish I'd said something.  Maybe it is time to find the words and let go.

Then there are the surprises.  Such as being told I am interesting, I am cool, I am a lovely person.  The biggest surprise was being told I was the prettiest woman in my exercise class.  That was a lovely surprise.  I graciously said thank you. 

Finally there is my relationship with John.  First I need to start with my relationship with Wayne.  I often think it was the best love of my life.  In many cases it was, I loved him with all my heart.  Plus he is entangled in so many of my memories being there since I was 19.  Most often we remember the good times over the bad.  I can confirm that, my memories of my time with Wayne are loving ones and I forget how I found it hard to please his family.  Being myself didn't seem good enough.  Now here I am in a relationship where being myself is accepted.  John accepts all of me.  We frustrate each other, but there is this wonderful acceptance.  I'm trying not to put my expectations onto John but it is so hard, finances especially.  It is the one thing couples do argue about.  I've gone from a man who counted almost every penny to one who hardly counts them at all.  I find it hard to live with debt, even a bit.  I need to let it go too.  I need to know that it will be ok.  I suppose I'm worried about the future and retirement.  It seems so much closer now when not too long ago it seemed far into the future.  I have panic that I'm not going to have enough. That I will have to work and never truly retire.  Or rather I should say we will not have enough.  I should realize John is in this with me and that is a comfort.  I am not alone.  For all the investing it doesn't seem to be as big a nest egg as I thought.  I'm hoping that changes and I see some major returns on my investments.  Or win the lottery, but then I've always said, I don't want to win the lottery, just enough to pay off the mortgage and have some to renovate the kitchen, bathroom and paint.  Plus some to go to Tofino once or twice. 

I am writing this in the early hours of the morning.  I couldn't sleep.  I was hungry and my mind was spinning.  Instead of waking John to talk, I have come to this blog post to quiet the swirling of my mind.  I think I've quieted some sections and some I still need to ponder.

I also wrote this silliness...

Sitting in the desert
By my camp fire
Munching on my crunchy

I can hear the coyotes talking to each other
yippee yip yip yip
Howling at the mooooon (howl here)

I don't have any hotdogs
or marshmallows
Just a bag of

I can hear the coyotes talking to each other
yippee yip yip yip
Howling at the mooooon (howl here)

My hands have turned orange
Orange is a word without a rhyme
I'm having a delicious time
Eating my Doritoos

I can hear the coyotes talking to each other
yippee yip yip yip
Howling at the mooooon (howl here)

From all those chips
My lips are numb
I've got no more words
So I'll just hum
(hum here)
Eating my Doritoos